


Turmoil

by mforpaul



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barisi Holiday Exchange 2020, Christmas, Conflict, Established Relationship, Feels, Light Angst, M/M, Seasons changing, Weekend trip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:34:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28461726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mforpaul/pseuds/mforpaul
Summary: Barba struggles with an LGBTQ case and his relationship with Carisi.They also go on a trip to a beach house in winter.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42
Collections: Barisi Holiday Exchange 2020





	Turmoil

**Author's Note:**

  * For [leslielol](https://archiveofourown.org/users/leslielol/gifts).



> This exchange is great for many reasons. We get to read so many creative stories and bring different people together. It also gives me the chance to write for one of my most favorite authors 🙈 The dice has not been kind to me because it fills me with nervousness and joy at the same time. 
> 
> I had half an idea for each of the two prompts, a scenic piece of Barisi enjoying the cold or getting away from it and Barisi celebrating a win. This is what happened and I hope you like it! 
> 
> (As there really is something to celebrate after the November election I was briefly considering making them have two kids called Joe and Kamala.)

It's a new year and it's cold. 

The sky is incredibly clear. Clear of anything but the bluest blue Barba has ever seen. Not a single cloud goes astray. 

The intensity of the color stings in his eyes; so he keeps them lowered and watches the waters instead.  
The ocean is turbulent. The waves are not very high but there are many of them. Foam sprays on their crowns, like the corner of a rabid animal's mouth.

Barba has always imagined the ocean to be the mirror of the sky, as they usually share the same tone in mood and color. But today, the blue of the sky doesn't match the ocean. The ocean's color has a rather dirty shade, a heavy grey. And Barba imagines that this is because of the waves whirl up the mud on the ground of the ocean, giving the ocean this distinctive rough tone. 

Maybe it's the wind that both sweeps the sky as well as angers the ocean. It's certainly the wind that bites into Barba’s skin and colors his nose into, as he can only guess, a rather unpleasant red. 

Barba hears the mandatory sounds of sea birds that cross paths somewhere in the sky. It can only mean that there is fish in that water. A thought that Barba finds strange, to consider that something can live in that mess of turbulence.

The sand had scrunched underneath his Chelsea boots when he had walked down here. The whole beach is covered with frost. The sound of that went lost over the sounds of the ocean and all that was left for Barba to do was to be careful not to slip. 

There's a thin layer of ice on the surface of the wooden chair. Barba has sat down on it all the same. This virgin wool coat needs to be worth its money. The cold pulls at his soft leather gloves as well, so Barba crosses his arms and tugs his hands under his armpits, determined to ignore the temperature. The scene is too beautiful for the cold to matter. 

Just like the weather, Barba is not prepared for this much sunshine so close towards the beginning of the year. He didn't bring his sunglasses. Not that his boots give him much protection against the cold or moisture either. So Barba fails to be prepared one way or the other. 

Nothing of this matters to Barba. It’s been a long time that Barba has felt this comfortable. A simple free heart. No clenched fist or tightened chest. Neither the need to swallow heavily nor the wish to be able to breathe easily. 

So comfortable for the lack of worries. Troubles and struggles are usually his ever-present companions. If there’s nothing depressing him at work, it’s his private life that throws stones in his way and one barely goes without the other. So it’s rare, very rare that Barba can safely say that he is fine. Perhaps Barba thought that he would never get there at all. And god knows he has come a long way. 

So it's easy for Barba to think back to November when he came here to this beach on Long Island for the first time. When things weren't that easy and everything had more felt like they would never be any good. 

“Rafi.”

Barba closes his eyes to let the rays of sunshine touch his face. He also wants to taste the salty air on his tongue so he takes a deep breath. He basically feels the oxygen flowing through his veins into the most exterior parts of his body.

“Rafi!”

Barba opens his eyes again, but needs to blink for he looks directly into the sun. The combination of direct sunlight and salty sea air has cleared his respiratory tracks as well as mind. 

“Will you answer me?”

This right there is one of the achievements Barba is so proud of. That he allows to be called by that nickname.

“I’m here and I hear you.”

If Barba thinks that the cold-bitten color of his face must look unappealing, he finds no words for Carisi. It's safe to say that Carisi's skin turns into the color of a lobster for a wide variety of reasons: sunshine, anger, trash TV are only a few of them. But the shade this special end of winter day puts into Carisi's face is something else. And it does not remind Barba of the delightful blushes he usually loves to see there. 

"If you hear me, you can answer me."

Barba looks at Carisi with narrowed eyes, but Carisi has mercy on him soon and puts himself between the blinding sun and him. As Carisi's shadow now falls onto him, Barba has the opportunity to relax the muscles in his face. 

Last year was not the first time he came here, but it was the first time with Carisi. 

"I can, but I chose not to." 

"Was I interrupting something?" 

Carisi rolls his eyes and keeps stepping from one foot to the other. He has his hands in his pocket and a terrible beanie on his head. 

"Yes, indeed."

Barba needs to smile in advance. It's a joke between them that Barba's life outside of work is (allegedly) extremely boring. 

"I'm sorry," Carisi refrains from rolling his eyes again and instead gives Barba a small pout. "What were you doing?" 

"Thinking." 

"Thinking?" 

"Yeah."

"About what?" 

Us.

Barba suddenly feels embarrassed. For spending so much time crushing on an admittedly very wonderful man. 

Barba looks away. 

"It's stunning to see a beach frozen. Overpowering, really. You'd think it doesn't go together, winter and beach."

"Technically, it's spring basically."

Barba sends Carisi a withering look. 

"Metereologically…" 

Barba's look further darkens, thereby smothering whatever comment Carisi had on his lips. 

"But yeah, it's really beautiful," Carisi says instead. 

Barba only nods as a response and doesn't believe Carisi one bit. 

"Anyway, you could still watch the view from inside."

Barba raises a brow. There's no program. They haven't scheduled anything for today. Which means that Barba isn't in the mood to even comply with compromises. 

"Where it's warm?" 

As if to underline his suggestion, Carisi rubs his hands. It's his own fault not to have brought gloves, Barba thinks, but he only needs to smile again. 

"I like the front row seat." 

This day feels special, if not for the unique combination of sunshine and frost then for the wonderful lightness that this day brings along. 

"Rafi, come back to bed?" 

Will there ever be a day when he will say no to that question, Barba doesn't think so. And that brazen bastard doesn't even say please. 

"I will be there in a minute."

"Great!" Carisi's face lightens up, but he immediately excuses himself back into the beach house. "I'll put on some more firewood." 

Barba doesn't look after him. He turns his face back into the sun, towards the sea and lets himself be forced to close his eyes again. 

A few months ago, Carisi had to beg him to come here. And it was only with the help of Barba's old friend Rita that he had managed to do so. 

… 

"Why?" 

"Why not?" Rita asks. 

She runs a hand through her silken hair. Her handbag dangles over a crooked elbow while she walks behind him with her heels clacking on the linoleum floor. 

"Now that it's official." 

"Just because it cannot be kept a secret, doesn't mean it's a big thing."

"Coming from you, it has to be." 

Barba didn't ask Rita to follow him back into his office. They're not running up against each other in court at the moment, they indeed have only run into each other in front of it. And he would have preferred not to as he knows she wants to discuss "the big news". 

"Will you not exaggerate please?" 

"Again, this is what you're doing."

When they arrive in his office, Rita sits down in one of the old leather chairs and puts her shiny handbag onto the other one as if she's home. Usually, Barba minds but today he's too exhausted to interfere. 

"HR gets involved, it happens." 

Barba is quick to loosen his tie and take off his jacket. A headache hammers behind his forehead. He tries to decide whether coffee would do it for him while he massages his forehead with two fingers. 

"This is the first time the world learns anything about Rafael Barba's life behind the scenes. Just when we started to think you don't have one at all." 

Barba narrows his eyes as he watches Rita throw a well-manicured hand in the air. 

"You know better."

"I thought I did."

Rita's new hobby is called Prada. From her elegant suit up to her handbag that is way too small for work, everything screams Italian chique. At least that's a step up from Michael Kors, in Barba's opinion, but unfortunately this pay raise can only mean that she's defending richer people, ergo even bigger assholes, now. 

"Rita, I don't need this now."

Not just that Barba is uncomfortable discussing it. He rather needs her friend's professional advice. He is vexed at himself for dropping this set to Edgar Goodwin. 

This was supposed to be a simple case. About data security and more importantly self-determination. Some jerk has revealed information about his clients' sexuality without their permission. It looked like everything was so clear, the fact that there were more victims coming forward should only help Barba. 

But no, Barba used the wrong words: "The right to free expression". This was catnip to Goodwin. And Barba can't believe that the Judge really agreed that a district court was not the right place to judge over one's rights. 

It's only 6pm but Barba should call this an early day. He can't think because he is so angry.

He's also hungry but has no appetite. 

"It's okay that you forgot my birthday." 

"Forgot? It's been only a few days. That cannot be called forgotten."

"Why are you insisting then?" 

Barba walks over to his chest of drawers and pulls out two glasses before he reaches for the bottle of Scotch. 

"Is it insisting when you're spending a weekend in my beach house every year?" 

"You usually don't get to decide who I take."

"It's my gift to you every year around this time. It's what people call a birthday gift." 

"I don't have to go with him."

"But you want to." 

Barba doesn't answer. 

He doesn't need to really.

Barba poors them both a generous amount of the amber liquid. But he takes a mouthful himself before he walks over to Rita to give her her glass. 

"Goodwin has managed to make Evans refer the case to the Supreme Court." 

"On what basis?" 

"That I chose the wrong argument."

Rita raises a brow, intrigued. 

"My line of defense went too far, for being so eager to try to defend her right for self-determination as well. Or foolish. Data theft can be ruled in a district's court, individual rights can't. Apparently."

"That's bullshit," Rita right out laughs. 

"The court is open to bullshit unfortunately." 

Barba empties his glass. He needs the burn sometimes. The burning in his throat helps him clear his mind.

He has walked around in his office the entire time as if this helps him to achieve anything. He feels the pressure he has put on himself. Mostly because he knows that he has disappointed the plaintiff today. Her and others like her have trusted him to make their case today, more than getting a verdict they wanted to see that this man who doesn't understand his own privilege crushed and pilloried. They wanted their voices heard. Wanted to let the world know how much they were hurt. 

And all he managed was disappointing them. Due to a formality. 

Something in his chest pulls tighter. 

"Why are you worried? The case is clear, isn't it? This guy cannot just run around and spill who's gay. The law's on your side."

"Yeah, but I feel like I'm missing something."

"Like what?" 

Barba bites his lip and turns. He refills his glass. His headache still pulsates behind his eyes. He knows it's time to call it a day. 

"Goodwin wouldn't do this if he didn't think he'd have better chances with a Supreme Court case."

"Maybe he just wants to buy time."

"And risk a win?" 

"The longer the process, the more money he earns."

Barba clicks his tongue and shrugs his shoulders at the same time. Rita is usually right and what she says certainly makes sense. But in Barba's experience it's usually a mistake to underestimate defense lawyers. 

"Will you take that away."

Barba makes a swishing hand gesture he knows Rita hates. But Rita removes her handbag all the same. Giving Barba space to sit. 

"Anyway, I'm not missing that you're trying to buy time."

Rita takes a small sip from her drink. Barba knows she doesn't drink Scotch. And she knows he knows as well. 

"It's just too much."

"You just reported a relationship with your co-worker to your supervisor. You kinda must have known how much that was gonna be."

Barba closes his eyes. 

One worry at a time. 

And today he will not be able to help the ones he tried to represent in court. He needs to put that behind him for today. 

"I mean with this and Christmas and the first getaway together, it's just too much. And it feels like a holiday is the easiest thing to cancel."

"Wait, wait. What? Christmas?" 

Barba doesn't want to look at her. Apparently today is not the day where he manages to choose his words wisely. 

"Yeah, Christmas. It's in two months. That fest you're too agnostic to care about."

"Agnostic? Don't flatter me. And don't deflect."

Barba tries not to pout like a little boy, so he bites his lips. 

He wants to run away. Away from this conversation. 

"I will go there on the first day of Christmas," Barba confesses with all the unease he feels about the fact itself. 

"There where?" 

"You know where." 

"No, I don't."

"Did you hear the man talk?" 

"I need to hear you say it."

"Staten Island." 

"You wanna tell me that you'll spend Christmas dinner at his family's house?" 

"Yes."

A nice taste of smokey whiskey has spread in his mouth, but he needs another drink. 

"Rafael, this is so unlike you in the first place but don't you think that his family will be a handful? I mean I don't know them, but you know…"

"Yeah. That's my guess as well." 

"And Christmass dinner, wow. Wouldn't Christmas Eve be enough?" 

"Then I would need to join Mass."

"Damn."

"Yeah."

"And that's a plan even two months before?" 

"Look, Rita, we just disclosed. It would be illogical to do that and not spend Christmas together, wouldn't it? And for the record, I consider disclosing a much bigger step."

Rita's mouth forms a jubilant smile. She's taking too much of a mischievous pleasure out of this situation. 

"I underestimated you, Rafael Barba."

"This is the last thing I needed today."

"I think you should go," Rita says and leans forward to put her full glass on the table. 

"I came to the same conclusion." 

"I don't mean Christmas."

Rita gets up and straightens out the wrinkles of her high waist pants. 

"I kinda have to do Christmas now."

Rita considers him for a long time. Barba returns her look with a raised chin, trying to not look too unhappy about this dreadful plan. 

"Are you seeing him tonight?" 

"No."

But Barba has thought about texting him all day. Not just that he finds comfort in a warm body next to him at night, Carisi would solve the problem with his empty stomach as well.

The corner of Rita's mouth curves up but she hides a smile. 

"I mean the holiday. It will be good for you."

"I'm not sure." Barba empties his glass and holds himself back from reaching for Rita's on the table. 

"What are you afraid of?" 

"You mean Christmas or the trip."

"Doesn't it come up to be the same thing?" 

Rita reaches for her handbag and puts it over her shoulder. She watches Barba having no answer for a while. And Barba can't help but feel embarrassed. It's been nearly a year now, he should start feeling more at ease about it. 

"It'll be good for you. Just take the house next month for a couple of days and let him spoil you a little. This way, I'm sure Christmas dinner will be a lot easier to take."

Barba doesn't agree at all. He neither wants to be stuck at a beautiful beach house on Long Island nor at wherever the Carisi's live on Staten Island. 

A nod and another smile is her way of saying goodbye. She's already in the door when Barba asks: "Why are you insisting?" 

Rita doesn't turn around. She just gives him half a look over her shoulder which doesn't hide her demonic smirk. 

"It's either gonna end up being an epic love story or a total catastrophe. Either way, I'm going to rejoice in both."

Barba has avocado salad, quinoa risotto with mushrooms, vanilla ice cream with blueberries and a lecture about good carbohydrates for dinner.

Carisi furthermore insists if they'd start going for a walk every evening, they'd feel even better. 

It doesn't come to that, not that Barba really considered it, because Rita calls twice and every half an hour sends a picture of her summer house on Long Island. 

It doesn't need long until his boyfriend, the detective, starts asking questions. As Barba knows a simple answer won't do it for Carisi, he decides that Rita has won and just shows him the pictures. Another bad decision that he's too tired to pick up a larger discussion leads to Barba agreeing to go. 

"You know there won't be sunshine there in November," Barba has tried to object. But even the weather forecast was not on his side and a quick Google research has revealed mild temperatures. 

It is in fact pouring rain for three days when they finally go to Long Island four weeks later, having already postponed this little trip twice because of new developments in their case. 

Even now Barba is in no mood to take time off. He has spent weekends with Carisi before in his apartment and this should be reason enough for him to look forward to this. But they're going to trial at the end of the following week and instead of this attitude of "we tried everything, there's nothing we can do, let's just relax and recharge ourselves", Barba would prefer to try to pull any last minute stunts. Anything that could help. 

"What are you doing?" 

This is why Barba sits down on the coffee table with a huge folder right after they arrived and had a little tryst in the bedroom. 

"You cannot be serious!" 

Barba doesn't look up to Carisi. And he does feel guilty. It was one of the first things Carisi had imagined Barba agreed on, to not bring work. 

"Just a couple of hours."

"Hours?" 

"I have to do this!" 

After all there's no point in being here at all if he can't relax. Barba looks outside of the window where raindrops spatter against the glass. There's no way they will go out there but watching the scenery of clouds and storm and rain could be very romantic. 

"Rafael, we did everything we can!" 

Barba takes off his glasses (this is something that he will end up considering to be another success, that Carisi saw him with these) and takes his forehead between his thumb and index finger. 

"I would really like to cut this short because I will do this one way or the other. You would save us a lot of energy if you just accepted it."

He doesn't want to look at him. He knows he's disappointing him, but this is not about choosing one thing or the other. Barba can't help it. Helping the ones who need help is what he does. Even at weekends with romantic rain and a loving companion. 

"Didn't you say, it doesn't touch you personally?" 

"Sonny, please…" 

Yeah, Barba remembers that conversation from a couple of months ago when he had thought this case will be won over easily. Carisi went head over heels to get Barba everything and more he needed, victims, witnesses, information about similar cases. 

"I could pull an all-nighter and look through that company's HR records to see if our guy has more dirt on himself," Carisi said back then. 

"That's not necessary. We don't know if he has a record at HR."

"I would do that for you."

"Don't waste your energy, I might need you for other things."

The truth was that Barba needed Carisi that night because the heat in his apartment building went out. Otherwise he would have let Carisi follow that stretch in a heartbeat. 

"I know it all seems pretty clear. The clients sign a paper about data security, the guy shares information about their sexuality anyway. This alone should be enough. But imagine I find a complaint at HR. I find another victim and that guy looks even more like the scumbag he is. We could use that in front of the jury."

Barba stared at Carisi for a while before narrowing his eyes. "Why are you doing this?" 

"I know it's important to you."

"As is any case."

"Yeah, but some hit closer to home than others."

"I wasn't outed against my will." 

No, Barba had been so lucky to come out when he was ready. It was only then that his father chose to use that as an accusation about everything that he found wrong about him. 

"No, but I know it's important to you. I saw the look on your face when Miss A. told her story. How powerless she felt when her friends, her co-workers learned something this personal about her and she had no saying in it. When her parents learned about it from Facebook and not from her personally, I know you wanna make this right."

Barba had nothing to say about this back then other than to agree. "I hate that she was made to feel bad about herself. It shouldn't be like this."

"We should be loud and proud."

"Loud and proud."

And of course, Barba couldn't come around feeling extremely grateful for how wonderful this man is. 

Thinking back to it now, only makes Barba feel worse about having brought this folder of work in the first place. Carisi doesn't deserve this. But unfortunately nothing of this makes it possible to stop the inevitable. 

"I cannot just sit here and do nothing- and don't!" Barba lifts up a hand. "Don't tell any sort of bad joke you're having on your mind right now."

"I don't feel like joking," Carisi says, pouting all the same. 

"Then please stop looking at me like that." 

Barba puts his glasses back on and opens the folder in front of him. It's almost shocking how easy it is for him to ignore Carisi glaring at him. Just, he needs coffee but that would either require getting up and being confronted with Carisi or confronting Carisi directly. 

"You know," Carisi says, clearing his throat. "My whole school knew I was gay when Billy Bianchi saw me making out with Scott Yoshida."

Barba's heart sinks into his knees. Slowly he looks up to Carisi who stands there leaning against a door frame chewing his lips. 

"Oh Sonny…" Just when Barba thinks he's already disappointing him he can't believe that he really was so insensitive to never ask. Or sense. 

"It's okay. At least my sisters knew already."

"Still…"

"My family is what mattered."

Carisi pushes himself away from the doorframe and pulls his phone out of his pocket. Doing Barba the favor of not looking him in the eye. 

"Sonny, sorry. I should have…"

"Well, you didn't."

Barba swallows and feels the urge to either break something or cry like a baby. As so many times, for not being able to decide he ends up doing neither. 

"Still…" 

"So here's what I suggest." Carisi holds up his phone. "I will make two phone calls," and the tone of Carisi's voice tells him that he won't tell Barba more and doesn't want to be asked either. "And then we go through this folder together."

Barba finds no words to complain. Again, his chest warms up for this man being so wonderful. 

"What's in this folder anyway?" 

"Other cases about people who had their sexuality publicized against their will."

Barba knows intuitively that he should stop Carisi. Moreover, he should step back from his plans. Then again, that's an unlikely thing for him to do. 

"Okay, we go through this together. Make notes, find out arguments or strategies that might help us. I guess that's what you're planning to do."

Barba nods. "Thank you."

"Luckily, I'm a lawyer, too. You know, Fordham Law night school and everything." 

In order to underline his line, Carisi runs a hand through his hair and gives Barba a big grin. A grin so big that Barba can't help to return a small smile. 

"I'm sure you were top of the class."

"So, as we do this together we'll be done quicker and afterwards enjoy our weekend," Carisi stops. "You don't have any more of these with you, right?" Carisi points to the paper work in front of Barba. 

"No."

Yes, they're in the back of the rented car with which they came here. 

Barba usually doesn't have a problem with lying and he is always good at it.

But now the lie lies heavy like a stone in his chest. Again, Carisi doesn't deserve this. To make things worse, one look at Carisi is enough for Barba to understand that he saw through him. 

Carisi looks back at Barba with a raised chin. If he's disappointed, he doesn't show it. 

"All right."

Following an Impulse, Barba chooses not to ignore this, but to address it. 

"I have the company's terms of service and a couple of HR cases about sexual harassment back in the car."

Carisi takes a deep breath. "Okay."

"I'm sorry that I tried to hide it."

"You should rather be sorry for coming here and not even planning to have a weekend at all."

Barba does feel sorry for that but yet again, he made his choices. 

"It's Supreme Court, Sonny. Imagine the news coverage on this and then imagine what kind of point we can make if we win."

"Yeah, that's the reason why I'm helping you, if-" Carisi sighs. "If we can agree on that being the only folder."

Barba bites his lips. He wants to say yes, mostly for Carisi's sake but he doesn't think so. 

"Rafael, you'd save us a lot of time and energy if you just promised me that. Because if not I need to think about if I should need to leave."

Barba has expected this much sooner and still, it comes to him as a surprise to finally hear Carisi saying what he fears all along. 

Maybe the decision is easy. He wouldn't get much work done if he'd have to deal with a small heart break at the same time. Also, working together would surely help his cause. 

Barba swallows. He doesn't like to be pressured. Especially not with feelings. 

He closes his eyes. He wants to find it in himself to fight this. To just let Carisi have what he wants. At the same time, he doesn't want to see this as a fight. Like a set of tennis where one person wins and the others loses. And that comparison is even worse because nothing seems like a game here to Barba. 

It's not like him to agree. To just say yes. He's someone who has arguments for the sake of having arguments. 

What does he have to lose?

Other than the man in front of him? 

Barba doesn't know. 

He doesn't want to think. 

"I think that's a compromise."

Barba can't promise and he doesn't. In fact, Barba doesn't think that he will just stop after one small folder. 

But he can try. 

Barba smiles. Carisi does as well, but his smile is small. He doesn't fully believe him, that much Barba understands.

"Great. Thank you, Rafael."

"I truly think it's you who needs to be thanked."

Carisi nods and holds up his phone again before he leaves the room. "Let me have these phone calls."

Of course, going through these old cases doesn't bring Barba any more insights because, of course, he already thought about every angle. In fact, it feels a little like practicing mock trials for law school, spitballing ideas back and forth with Carisi. Not to forget that this gives Barba a sense of reinsurance. 

They never get to bring the other folders inside. 

"I think you can be confident."

"I'm always that. That's not the problem."

"Yeah, sure," Carisi sighs. He sits on the rug on the floor opposite Barba. His hair is very out of place, a look that in Barba's opinion looks a lot better than the hairstyle Carisi usually goes for. But Barba likes to think to have that view only for himself. 

"Insecure and confident aren't exclusive."

"Is it gonna be like that on Christmas?" Carisi asks all of the sudden. 

Barba feels a little taken aback for that he probably is supposed to know what Carisi means. 

Because the thought of both of them together somewhere is kind of exactly what he'd like for Christmas. 

"Like what exactly?" 

"Because I'd really like to be able to count on you."

"You know you can."

"My family is really important. They are what matters and Christmas is important to us."

"I'm Catholic as well, I know you care."

"It's not about that."

Barba and Carisi look at each other for a long time over the distance of a coffee table. The fireplace spreads a comfortable warmth into the room and Barba curses Carisi for insisting to not drink until after they're done. 

"Look, I'm gonna come. I'm not gonna wear that purple tie you hate. What else do you want."

"I don't want you to just come, I want you to be there."

"Sonny, will you please not become a wordsmith now."

"I don't want your attention to be at work when you come over for Christmas dinner." 

"I know and you know, I will clear these days. I promise. But if something's coming up, I can't change that."

He should just say yes and tell Carisi what he wants to hear. There's no need to be cruel to him, especially when Carisi meets Barba's needs at lengths. 

"Rafael, we work at SVU and the world is full of sex crimes. There'll always be something coming up."

Barba wishes for a drink, it would help him to bring at least some ease into this situation. 

"As if you'll turn your phone off."

"It's not about that and you know that," Carisi is interrupted by his phone vibrating. A quick look at it makes him get up, but before he answers the phone he points a finger at Barba. "I'm doing this job, too. But some things are more important than others. None of this means you need to do something you're uncomfortable with. All I'm asking is for you to be there. I don't want to make excuses for you spending the evening in the next room discussing with Judge Evans. Or not coming at all," he adds. 

The stupid phone ringing saves Barba from answering, or worse the need to make promises. 

But he doesn't have to do neither, one way or the other. 

The ball is clearly in his court now. 

"Oh, that's great," he hears Carisi saying and that distracts him. 

He looks up to Carisi giving him a thumbs up. "Okay, thanks, Fin." 

Barba looks up to him, inquiring. "What happened?" 

"I'm good, that's what happened." 

"I genuinely know that. Why did Detective Tutuola call?" 

"I asked him to do a favor," Carisi explains, scrolling through his phone. "Ah, he just sent me a screenshot. Here it is!" 

Carisi shows Barba the display of his phone. 

"Fin went through the guy's social media contacts and found an old supervisor who left the firm a couple of months ago. And look what he saved in his cloud."

Barba needs to wear his glasses to see the tiny letters. He takes the phone out of Carisi's hand to read what looks like an email. 

"No, that's not true!" 

"Oh yes," Carisi grins. "That's an email from the company's upper management department, instructing their personnel not to collect sensitive data."

"Like their sexuality." 

It only takes a quarter of a second to break into a triumphant grin that matches Carisi's like a mirror. 

… 

The trial itself ends within what feels like a heartbeat. 

Adrenaline pumps through Barba's veins and the high he feels from it makes the trial feel like a rush. 

It's stress at its purest. 

Just as Carisi has expected, Barba is basically over-prepared. They have the perp's balls in their hands and all they need to do in court is squeeze. 

All that is left for Edgar Goodwin, the attorney of defense, is to throw his charme at the jury with no result. 

Guilty. 

And even the perp's company will face consequences. 

It's a win all over. 

Even less for crushing the defense and proving the perp's guilt, it's a win because the victim has the chance to tell her side. 

And damn she did. 

It turns out that Carisi's second call last weekend went to Lieutenant Benson with a very simple idea. He asked her to help Miss A. to prepare her statement, not just for the witness stand but also for the press afterwards. 

With the help of Benson and her sensitivity, Miss A. has found exactly the right words. Not too many, not too less. She speaks her heart without wailing. 

And all that Barba can feel is to be very proud about how strong she is up there on the witness stand, refusing her role as a victim and taking her story back by telling it herself. 

This is what she needs. What the community needs. And ultimately, also what Barba needs to gasp of relief. 

At the end, Barba knows he needs to be thankful to Carisi for his small role in it. For keeping a cool head when he couldn't. For being able to count on him. And he is. In a silent moment he even tells him so. 

There's no way for Barba to hide his smug smirk when the judge adjourns court. He looks over to the table of the defense to find a defendant whose face is torn in anger and a lawyer who gives him a small nod. 

It takes Barba by surprise and again he remembers how he panicked when Goodwin won the first round. It had felt like he followed some kind of plan and that was way too easy. 

Barba catches up with Goodwin somewhere on the steps in front of the courthouse, leaving a happy team of SVU behind with an excuse. 

"Goodwin!" 

The defense lawyer stops, and meets Barba with a smile as if he had waited for him. 

"Barba," he responds. 

"I can't help but wonder." 

"Wonder what?" A set of bright white teeth shines when Goodwin smiles. 

"Why did you want to have this case judged in front of Supreme Court? I work SVU for four years and I never had a case as solid as this to begin with."

"Barba, you need to look at the subject matter," Goodwin wets his lips before he continues. "A case like this doesn't deserve to be forgotten somewhere in District Court."

A defense lawyer with a conscience, who knew they existed. 

"And I knew," Goodwin adds. "You would fight this with the right devotion."

The high, the rush and all the excitement of the case doesn't leave any time (or energy) for Barba to worry about Christmas. 

… 

Barba exhales before he opens his eyes again and blinks into the sun. 

From the far Barba can see dark clouds approaching. Barba shouldn't be surprised. At the end of winter he should still expect some bad weather in the State of New York.

And maybe he is even quite happy about it as last time Barba didn't find it in him to enjoy the beauty of rain. This time Barba promises himself to enjoy whatever atmosphere the place offers him. 

And Carisi. 

He will enjoy it with him together. 

These are the exact words Miss A. used on her wedding invitation. Barba had received it just yesterday morning before they set off to have this weekend trip again, for real this time. And of course, Barba has called her to answer immediately. He will be there with his plus one. They will have the scampi in white wine sauce. 

Barba smiles. Ironically, this is the same dish that Carisi has brought to his family Christmas dinner. The dish that everyone had doomed to be "too fancy". 

Barba's smile even widens as his heart only widens at the memory of this evening. Barba hadn't managed to keep himself from commenting: "See, it's not just me who likes pretty things."

For one last time, Barba takes a deep breath, to let the cold air in. One last time before he gets up to return to that wonderful man waiting for him inside.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Year to everyone!


End file.
